my head is spinning round and round. im getting the worst headache ever. i dont know what is causing all this. either the counselling went bad or piks blog just scared me. she said that they are not attached. but from what i read, she is. why lie? i dont know why. just to make me feel better? omg. it doesnt. i feel like shit.

the counselling went bad. i have no idea what i just went through. it was like a friends meeting where u tell me about ur week and i tell u mine. wha..? she asked me what she could do to help me and i told her that if i knew that, i wouldnt be here. i mean, if i knew what to do, i would have already solved this damn problem. but somehow i cant and dont know HOW. that was the worst ever counselling shit i've ever been to. i made myself look so stupid.

i cant bare the pain anymore. i think im going to move out. i dont want to stay here anymore. it brings back to many memories which just brings me lower and lower. i dont want to feel this way, but everything around me just makes me feel this way. im fighting every single day. every day! i dont like this feeling at all. i just want to get rid of it. i want to just forget and forgive. when i hear the names jac and him, i would just be normal and walk on by. but now i just dont know how i can. i just fall to the ground. i cant take it, i just cant. fuck. whatever anyone says about me go ahead. u care, so what. i dont want u to care. i wish i didnt come down to KL. i wish i was dead. im so tired of living. i fucking am. i cant fucking take it anymore. i fucking cant.

everyone will mourn, some will not. i do not care. i really dont. anyone says that i dont care about my family, go ahead. i do not care. i dont want to be blamed over and over again for stupid acts. for doing this doing that. everything i do in life is such a failure. why do i even continue doing what im doing now? why am i still here living and breathing air?! i dont want it anymore. i dont want to live. i give up.

rick.